MONGO & DA COACH

Watching some of the Bears preseason game last night, I wasn't struck by how poorly their D-line played against a weak Rams O-line, but by how subdued Mike Ditka was in the announcers booth. He was also less orange than in years past. He must be easing up on the Drambuie and Fake Bake tanning cream these days.

I'm a big fan of Da Coach. He's a just little bit off though....sort of like Quentin Tarantino. I had the chance to meet Ditka many years ago, and it wasn't quite what I expected.

My folks used to take my brother and I up north to watch Bears training camp in Platteville, Wisconsin every summer in the mid to late 80s. Most kids want to go to Disney World or the Wisconsin Dells for vacation. Not us sports fanatics. Fuck Mickey Mouse and Tommy Bartlett too.

In Platteville the players and coaches were accessible to the fans, and we were still at that age when getting a signature meant something more than just dollar signs. Late one afternoon in '86 we lined up with a couple hundred other fans along the sidewalk from the dorms to the cafeteria. This was a prime spot to take pictures and snag autographs.

Payton, Singletary, McMahon, Dent....they all passed within inches of us. Eventually the coaches, trainers and unrecognizable rookies made their way down the line and inside the cafeteria, and the doors were closed. The crowd slowly dispersed.

My brother and I decided to hang out for awhile and toss a ball around. Ten minutes after the team had passed by a large figure came shuffling down the sidewalk. Good ol' number seventy-six, Steve "Mongo" McMichael.

Mongo was a notoriously tough guy to get an autograph from, and he had ice packs strapped onto both knees. So what's a kid to do? Send in the little brother.

"Mr. McMich---"

"No. I'm late for dinner."

Mongo reached the doors only to find them locked. This did not make Mongo happy, and he started pounding on them with his fists.

I egged my brother on the way older brothers do. He crawled under the ropes, approaching McMichael from behind. Probably not the smartest move in the book, but he was determined. It was a scene straight out of the Mean Joe Greene Coke commercial.

"Mr. McMichael?"

<Mongo whirls around> "Hey kid, you ain't supposed to be past the ropes."

"Can I please have your autograph?"

"NO." <resumes pounding on the doors>

"But it's your rookie card."

Mongo turns around, finally making eye contact. He's fuming. All I can think is 1) Mom is going to kill me for sending my little brother to his death over an autograph, and 2) what a cool story it will make when I get back to school in a few weeks.

"What? JAYYYZUS CHRRRIST. Gimme that."

He quickly scrawled his name on the card and handed it back.

"Now run along boy." <Mongo smacks him ON THE ASS!> "I'm about to start cussin' here in a second if they don't open these Goddamn doors, and I'm sure your Mama wouldn't appreciate it."

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Inspired by my brother's experience, I jumped in front of Ditka's golf cart as he tried to speed away from the cafeteria after dinner.

"Damn kid, you could play on special teams. Wedge buster."

Cool, we're having a moment here. Me and Da Coach. There were so many things I wanted to ask him....how they were going to replace Wilbur Marshall at linebacker, if the Fridge was going to get the ball more, if he and Jim McMahon really didn't get along....but my mind went blank.

Ditka started to sign my t-shirt but his Sharpie was running out of ink.

"Crap. Pen's out of ink. Must be some kind of Russian conspiracy. I'll have to call up my friend Gorbachev and have him turn off those spy satellites."

I laughed the nervous laugh of a kid who doesn't quite know what to say. "Russians"? "Spy satellites"? What the hell is Da Coach talking about? Has he been in the sun too long? I felt like Peter Billingsley hanging onto the slide and hearing "you'll shoot your eye out kid."

"Uh, yeah Coach" was the best I could come up with.

A crowd soon formed around the cart and Ditka borrowed someone else's marker to finish signing my shirt.

"There ya go wedge buster."

What an exciting, yet confusing moment. I've just met one of my heroes, but he just might be a raving lunatic. Then again, he did come out with "The Grabowski Shuffle", so his erratic behavior shouldn't have been too surprising.