First it was Juliette Lewis...

...and now Rosie O'Donnell is playing a retard in CBS' Riding the Bus with My Sister:

http://pressroom.hallmark.com/hhof_riding_the_bus.html

The commercial aired just before The Amazing Race last night. I must have rewound it 40 times on the TiVo.

CATCH THIS IF YOU CAN. Sunday, May 1st on CBS. From the two quick clips I saw (where she grunts "I'm different" and "Dat'sch nice") it looks like she's doing her best Sling Blade impression.

This is just the second Rosie O'Donnell performance that I'm willing to sit through (the other one was the movie "Beautiful Girls").

The United Nations of IKEA

Last weekend my girlfriend and I went out to the big blue box in Schaumburg to get some household stuff for our new place. Big mistake.

IKEA is barely tolerable on a weeknight. Sunday was like the creature cantina scene from Star Wars. Koreans, Poles, Chinese, Indians, Czechs, Mexicans, Pakistanis, Germans, the Viet Cong---the gang was all there. The only thing worse than the rampant body odor was the incessant warbling over the 99 cent pot holders and 5 dollar desk lamps.

(One of my Mom's favorite quotes is "I'm not racist. I hate everyone equally." God Bless foreigners. Like a friend of mine says, they come here and take the shitty jobs that nobody else wants to do. I really have no real ill will towards anyone except when they are in my way.)

Apparently babysitters are a foreign concept to these folks. The "Smalland" kids holding pen must have been overflowing with the little darlings because there was a fleet of strollers everywhere I turned. The traffic laws of other lands were in effect. I had no idea which way these people were going. They all had that glazed look of consumer overload on their faces.

After about 45 minutes we'd had enough. Well, I'd actually had it about 10 minutes in, but Kiki was determined to get curtains. While sandwiched in the vertical blinds aisle between a young German couple and the Korean Brady Bunch she hit her boiling point. "Let's get the FUCK out of here" she hissed. "NOW."

Ringing up your purchases at IKEA is another joy. You have to bag your items yourself, which means if the Patels in front of you have an assload of glassware you'll be standing there forever while they get their shit wrapped up and placed back in their carts. No, take your time Sundeep. I don't have to be anywhere.

I'd rather be hung upside down by my ankles and beaten with a car antenna until my spleen oozed out of my nose before I ever set foot in IKEA on a weekend again.

They do have a pretty good deal on curtains though. I suggest shopping online.