Full slab of DIBS

So it's that time of year in Chicago. Dibs season.

For the uninitiated, "dibs" is the tradition of marking your parking space with lawn furniture, lumber, or an ironing board after you've cleared it of snow and are leaving to go to work/school/pick up tranny hookers. It's an unwritten law: you dig it out, it's yours. Even Da Mayor supports dibs.

What if someone were to come along while you were gone, move your stuff out of the way and park in your spot? Well, your neighbors are likely to key the intruders car or even slash his or her tires. Dibs is some serious shit.

After the snowstorm last Thursday I was curious to see if I lived on a dibs street. Back in Logan Square nobody really bothered to dig out their spots, and the street usually wound up turning into a bumpy, icy mess.

This is not the case in Bucktown. More than half the spots on my block have been cleared and marked with 5 gallon drums or traffic cones. I feel kinda ghetto sticking my plastic lawn chairs out there. One guy has a cardboard cut out of Bugs Bunny in his spot. He should really jazz it up and write "Don't Even Fucking Think About It, Doc" on there.

I used to think dibs was silly until I spent an hour digging out two spots for Kiki and myself the other night. Now I'm a big proponent of the practice. The only thing I'd like to see is a uniform policy for when to give up your dibs. Is it 48 hours after the snowfall? Do you wait until the snow is melted off the curb, or until the unshoveled sidewalks are clear? There's nothing worse than seeing a bunch of discarded chairs and 2 x 4's sitting on brown grass in the parkway.

The forecast is for 3" to 6" tomorrow, so it looks like dibs will be in effect for at least the rest of the week.

You know, if you say the word "dibs" repeatedly it sounds really dumb. Like "orange".

The Joy of Sox

I can't believe my favorite team is on the verge of winning the World Series.

I've been a Sox fan since Harry Caray was calling the games with Jimmy Piersall on a fuzzy, pre-cable Channel 44.

I was 11 years old when the "Winning Ugly" team rolled through the rest of the league, only to have it all come crashing down with Jerry Dybzynski's horrible baserunning and Tito Landrum's moon shot off of Britt Burns in the LCS. Everyone thought that '83 was just the beginning of a great run, but what followed instead was a long stretch of injuries, poor management decisions, and generally shitty teams on the South Side. When one of the only notable team highlights is Steve Lyons dropping his pants at first base, you know you're going through some lean years.

Comiskey Park was in such poor condition that the owners threatened to pack up and move if the state didn't build them a new stadium. A deal with St. Petersburg was struck, but Illinois lawmakers refused to work on a counter offer. Governor Thompson pushed the vote through at the stroke of midnight in order to keep them from becoming the Tampa Bay White Sox.

They put together some great teams in the early 90s, only to have the '94 lockout end their best chance at a title. The White Flag trade in '97 and the sweep by the Mariners in the 2000 LDS just added to the disappointment.

But now here we are. It's been a long time coming. This is our year. I can't believe this is happening.

The Pied Piper of R & B

I've been on an R. Kelly kick lately. All legal problems aside there's no doubt he's a talented musician. Then again, so was Jerry Lee Lewis.

"I Believe I Can Fly" is a great song, and I liked "Ignition" and "Step In The Name Of Love" too. Not enough to actually go out and buy any of his albums, but if he's on the radio I'm not changing the station either. His latest effort, "Trapped In The Closet" is amazing, in a "what the fuck is he thinking?" sort of way.

The song itself is hilarious, but if you haven't seen the videos (yes, VIDEOS, there are five chapters) yet, do yourself a favor and download it/set your TiVo NOW. MTV and VH-1 are playing it quite often. This is the funniest "serious" piece I've seen since Jacko's window smashing, crotch grabbing performance in "Black or White".

Here are just a few of the highlights and questions I had after viewing this comic masterpiece:

-If Kelly is giving it to this hoochie mama like any good "Bump and Grind"er would, why doesn't her wig fly off at some point?

-What kind of apartment has the master bedroom right next to the front door?

-Where did R. Kelly learn how to hold a gun?

-Why would he even wait for the preacher's lover to come upstairs? Just say "Yeah, I nailed your wife, but I'm holding the gun and you two need to talk. I'm out".

-The scene where he's driving is straight out of the old Batman TV series.

-When he gets home and confronts his wife, then decides to bed her, why wouldn't he take a minute to wash off his balls first?

If he ever comes back from exile I know Dave Chappelle is going to have a field day with this one. I can't wait for chapters 6 through 10.

Dogpark and Z (Weird) Boys

My girlfriend and I moved in together last month. So far, so good on the cohabitation. We're learning more about each other's quirky little habits, and at this point neither of us have discovered anything too disturbing. Just wait until she finds my stash of Eskimo MILF bukkake tapes.

I actually have two new roommates. She brought her dog Milo into the apartment too. He's a three year old rat terrier mix, and while he isn't a bad dog he's just too cat-like for my tastes. Milo had the run of the place at Kirstin's old house, and is used to sleeping in bed with her and lounging on the couch. Hey bub, those are my areas. We're slowly breaking him of these habits and I'm teaching him the basics like "sit", "lay down", and "go lick your cock somewhere else".

There's a dog park down the street at Damen and Churchill. It's probably three times the size of the run in Wicker Park and is completely fenced in. The first couple of times we took Milo there he didn't do anything but sit at our feet and stare up at us. Now if he had the chance to dash out the door at home he'd be gone for an hour, but when we actually took him off the leash at the park and set him free he just froze up.

After awhile he started warming up to whole dog park scene, and at this point he's practically a veteran. There are a lot of unusual breeds there. And then there are the dogs.

First we have Jeff "The Dude" Lebowski meets Scotty (the "I'm a fucking idiot!" guy played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman) from Boogie Nights

This guy is a professional dog walker. He pulls up in a minivan and spends a good 15 minutes running two or three at a time from his vehicle into the park. I've seen him there with as many as 10 dogs, and I don't know how he keeps track of which ones are with him. The other day he came up to me as we were leaving and asked "Is that J-PEG or Bandit?" He thought I was either a client or was stealing one of his pups.

Mini-Trump

This well dressed asshole is always talking on his cellphone about "big deals coming down the pike" and what "could be a huge financial windfall for us". He has a large German shepherd who runs around tormenting other dogs while he sits on the bench and tries to broker the Deal of the Century.

Doc Brown from Back to the Future

A creepy older man who slithers in and out of the park. I'm not sure which dog is his, or if he even has one, because he usually just leans up against the fence and stares at the wall. Then he disappears. I bet he drives a cargo van and hangs out near grade schools.

First it was Juliette Lewis...

...and now Rosie O'Donnell is playing a retard in CBS' Riding the Bus with My Sister:

http://pressroom.hallmark.com/hhof_riding_the_bus.html

The commercial aired just before The Amazing Race last night. I must have rewound it 40 times on the TiVo.

CATCH THIS IF YOU CAN. Sunday, May 1st on CBS. From the two quick clips I saw (where she grunts "I'm different" and "Dat'sch nice") it looks like she's doing her best Sling Blade impression.

This is just the second Rosie O'Donnell performance that I'm willing to sit through (the other one was the movie "Beautiful Girls").

The United Nations of IKEA

Last weekend my girlfriend and I went out to the big blue box in Schaumburg to get some household stuff for our new place. Big mistake.

IKEA is barely tolerable on a weeknight. Sunday was like the creature cantina scene from Star Wars. Koreans, Poles, Chinese, Indians, Czechs, Mexicans, Pakistanis, Germans, the Viet Cong---the gang was all there. The only thing worse than the rampant body odor was the incessant warbling over the 99 cent pot holders and 5 dollar desk lamps.

(One of my Mom's favorite quotes is "I'm not racist. I hate everyone equally." God Bless foreigners. Like a friend of mine says, they come here and take the shitty jobs that nobody else wants to do. I really have no real ill will towards anyone except when they are in my way.)

Apparently babysitters are a foreign concept to these folks. The "Smalland" kids holding pen must have been overflowing with the little darlings because there was a fleet of strollers everywhere I turned. The traffic laws of other lands were in effect. I had no idea which way these people were going. They all had that glazed look of consumer overload on their faces.

After about 45 minutes we'd had enough. Well, I'd actually had it about 10 minutes in, but Kiki was determined to get curtains. While sandwiched in the vertical blinds aisle between a young German couple and the Korean Brady Bunch she hit her boiling point. "Let's get the FUCK out of here" she hissed. "NOW."

Ringing up your purchases at IKEA is another joy. You have to bag your items yourself, which means if the Patels in front of you have an assload of glassware you'll be standing there forever while they get their shit wrapped up and placed back in their carts. No, take your time Sundeep. I don't have to be anywhere.

I'd rather be hung upside down by my ankles and beaten with a car antenna until my spleen oozed out of my nose before I ever set foot in IKEA on a weekend again.

They do have a pretty good deal on curtains though. I suggest shopping online.

The Gay Super Bowl

Observations (and questions) from the Academy Awards show on Sunday night:

--For a second there I thought Jamie Foxx was R. Kelly. Then my girlfriend told me that the little girl sitting next to him was his daughter.

--Robin Williams' act is getting old. He just doesn't make me laugh like he used to.

--Bringing all the nominees for the less glamorous awards out on stage reminds me of American Idol or the Miss America Pageant.

--Beyonce sang three of the five nominated Best Songs. Overkill, don't you think?. I was waiting for Jay-Z to jump up there and bust some freestyle.

--Chris Rock's man on the street interviews at the ghetto plex were kinda funny, but still too Leno-esque. It was good to see Martin Lawrence is trying to get away from the crazy black man stereotype.

--Scarlett Johansson could wear a Hefty bag and shave her hair into a mohawk and I'd still find her attractive. That voice. That ASS.

--Scorsese shouldn't even bother showing up at the Oscars anymore. Does he really need to be validated? Any guy in this country under the age of 40 can quote the "So I'm a clown?" speech from Goodfellas.

--Watching that Carson tribute montage made me realize how underrated Johnny was when it came to hosting award shows. That man was solid. Sorry Dave, but "Uma.....Oprah" is your Oscar legacy.

--Sidney Lumet is directing a new movie with VIN DIESEL? A courtroom drama from the looks of it. What the fuck? Can the Academy take back a lifetime acheivement award?

--It's about time Morgan Freeman won.

--Adam Sandler hasn't been funny since Happy Gilmore. No, Remote Control. What ever happened to Ken Ober anyway?

--Penelope Cruz & Salma Hayek are best seen and not heard.

--Antonio Banderas singing with Carlos Santana? I guess Rob Thomas wasn't available. How long before Antonio goes on tour to every House of Blues in the country with his own shitty band? I liked it when the guy who wrote that song got up to accept the award and sang it the right way.

--And what was Prince doing there announcing the winner for Best Song? He won't show up at the Grammys to accept his own award. Odd.

--Sean Penn needs to lighten up. Jude Law is not one of our greatest young actors. He's the new Steve Guttenberg.

--Hilary Swank remembered to thank her husband this time. But what about Pat Morita?

--The chick with the inflated tits in the balcony got more camera time than Annette Benning. I'm not saying that's a bad thing.

--Now that he's won Best Actor, let's hope Jamie Foxx doesn't go down the same road as Cuba Gooding Jr. His agent should immediately shred scripts from Disney and anything involving Horatio Sanz.

--I loved that they closed the show with the theme from The Terminator. I was hoping Ahnuld would come out and thank everybody for visiting Caulifornya.